How Do Magnets Work?
by KillerMay
Summary: Hebi, Taka, idiotic group of teenagers who think they're the best thing since yoo-hoo in a box – it's all the same, really. But seriously? This little group of misfits was supposed to be the next big criminal organization since Akatsuki? I doubt it. Crack
1. one

**A/N** First ninja-verse fic! HAHA! I'm sick right now, so I just really needed a good, old-fashioned, crack story.

**How Do Magnets Work?**

**Disclaimer** I don't own the "Naruto" series or any affiliated characters.

To say Sakura wasn't horribly thrilled when Tsunade called her team to her office to announce that they'd finally located Sasuke and his new team would be a complete lie.

She was _exuberated_.

They'd only been looking for that S-O-B for…what? Three years? And now they'd finally found out where he was.

To say Sakura didn't want to follow Naruto and just run right in, attack them, and bring Sasuke back to Konoha would also be a lie. She had thrown common sense out the door as soon as she heard the words "_We found Sasuke Uchiha_".

To say she was excited about Sai coming with them to help them find their long lost teammate would also be a lie because it'd be awkward and Sai made it a habit to judge Sasuke based on what he knew and then insult him. This would then cause some giant argument between him and Naruto and it'd be like the old days of team 7, when the most common thing you heard was Sasuke and Naruto yelling at each other.

Well, Naruto would yell. Sasuke would glare and mutter something just loud enough for the people near him to hear rather than citizens of Sunagakure.

To say Sakura was expecting what they found was also a lie.

That's not say the person they were looking for wasn't there – because he was. Along with two redheads and a fish. Which was also expected, because that was obviously his new team.

It was…more so what they were _doing_. Not that Sasuke was running a brothel, but…actually… The first thing they clearly heard him say was "Karin, _I_ am the pimp here and daddy says to _get off of him_."

This, peaking their interest, made them decide it was too much of a hassle to wait for a chance to sneak in. They stood up from their spot behind a few bushes, and literally walked right into their former teammates base.

"…Karin," the fish-guy spoke to the female redhead. "I have to say, getting rejected by someone calling himself your pimp seems worse than any normal rejection."

The redhead, Karin, who was now on the floor due to previous, unseen circumstances, pushed her glasses up her nose and glared at him.

All the while, Team Kakashi stood there, watching.

"_Suigetsu_," she addressed, calmly. The calmness of her voice would have never lead you to believe that she was about to _pick Sasuke up and throw him at the other male_. But that's exactly what she did. "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SUCH AN IDIOT?" She yelled.

The ginger, who was standing across the room also watching throughout the entire thing, was the first to actually acknowledge the intruders.

But the way he acted was like he didn't even know they were intruders. Yet, the first thing he said happened to say was, "Hey, are you guys intruders?" Nobody else had noticed them yet. Karin was trying to beat up Suigetsu, but every time she hit him he turned to water and Sasuke was in the process of getting thrown around like a rag doll, muttering something about how this wasn't going to fly with all of the other pimps.

Kakashi turned to the man who had just spoken to them. "No," he replied. "I think we'll be leaving now."

**A/N** Really. Needed. This. The title is a meme / form of trolling. Basically, people will go on chat websites and ask how magnets work.


	2. two

**notes—** I decided to make this a kind of collection story thing for random cracky-Hebi/Taka drabbles. I'm keeping the status as "complete" because they can all stand on their own.

**How Do Magnets Work?**

Sasuke Uchiha, 16, was considering committing either mass murder or suicide.

(Both would get him into Hell, right? So did it matter?)

_How_ Orochimaru had seen any form of potential (how _he_ had seen any form of potential...) in these idiots was beyond him.

"Sasuke! Suigetsu stole my hair brush!" Karin whined, pointing at the ex-Kiri nin.

"Only because she stole my pool noodle!" Suigetsu defended. Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose trying to fight off a headache. It wasn't working. Crap.

After he put the team together, he soon learned that he was going to have to be Mr. Mom. And they were _all older than him_. (Even if it was just by a couple months.) Suigetsu and Karin were still mindlessly arguing about who stole what. Sasuke sighed.

"Karin," he said in that voice that commanded-without-commanding you look at him. They both shut up and looked up. "Did you steal Suigetsu's... _pool noodle_." These people made him sick.

"No!" she replied.

"Liar!" Suigetsu said back. She glared at him. And then punched him.

"Stop," Sasuke said in a tired voice. Again, they stopped and turned to face him. "Suigetsu, give Karin her brush back."

"But what about my pool noodle?" he whined in response. Sasuke glared at him.

"Ask Juugo." Suigetsu sighed and handed Karin her hair brush back. She smirked. "Now apologize."

"What?" Suigetsu yelled. He gave the thing back, why did he have to _apologize_?

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "_Don't argue_."

Suigetsu sighed, turned to Karin, and—without looking at her—muttered, "Sorry."

"I'm sorry, what was that? I could hear you," she said, smirking. She was definitely enjoying this.

He glared and looked up at her. "_Sorry_," he said, venomously.

"I don't think he means it, Sasuke," Karin said, crossing her arms.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and ignored that comment. "_You_," he said to her. Her eyes lit up. "Are going to help him find his... whatever."

Now, she looked like she had just gotten hit with a bus. "_What?_"

"You heard me."

She groaned. Suigetsu was smirking. "Let's go find my pool noodle, Karin!" Suigetsu said, triumphantly.

"I hate you," she replied.

"_Go_," Sasuke commanded. Sighing, she followed Suigetsu to Juugo's room.

Sasuke was thinking mass murder would be the better choice.

**notes—** review? (:


	3. three

**notes—** Happy birthday, Sasukeee(:

(I'm writing this while I'm half awake—I went to a birthday party last night and we stayed up til like, 2 am. And then I woke up at 8. FML.)

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**How Do Magnets Work?**

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They were whispering quietly and constantly pushing each other.

The couch was not big. Hiding behind said couch was not easy for the three of them. Especially with someone like Juugo.

"This is _stupid_," Karin muttered to the others, darkly. "He's _Sasuke_, he's going to know we're here immediately."

Suigetsu shoved her over, trying to make sure he wasn't exposed, "If you don't remember correctly, _Karin_, we were Orochimaru's subordinates too. It's not like we _suck_."

Juugo sighed inwardly and lightly shook his head. Karin was right. Orochimaru might have seen something in _all_ of them, but Sasuke was his little puppy, molded to be more powerful—and by extension, more aware—than all of them.

Karin and Suigetsu continued to shove each other. Suigetsu, so he could be seen and Karin because she needed her _personal_ space.

"Guys...," Juugo began, unsure. He wasn't a very outspoken person... "Um... You realize you're only going to make it _easier_ for him to know where we are, right?"

The two turned and stared at him. He felt uncomfortable.

Suigetsu opened his mouth to reply, but Karin quickly covered his mouth. "He's here," she whispered. They were already masking their chakra, but now they made sure to focus solely on that.

(And the door. You know, in case it _opened_.)

When the door did finally open, they heard light foot steps. The light flicked on.

That was when they all jumped out, "Surprise!"

Sasuke slammed himself into the wall in an uncharacteristic display of actual surprise and slight confusion.

Though, since he was, in fact, _Sasuke_, he quickly composed himself and stared at the three blankly. "Hn. Idiots."

"Uh... We have a cake?" Suigetsu said, slightly unsure. "Happy birthday?"

Sasuke's nose wrinkled up in disgust. "I hate sweets."

"...Well fine then. Screw you."

Glare.

"I mean I love you, Bossman," Suigetsu corrected, slightly mockingly. "Have my babies."

Karin face-palmed.

And then got all up in Sasuke's grill (for lack of a better term), and whispered in a awkwardly flirtatious voice, "Happy birthday, Sasuke."

Sasuke sighed, stood up, and walked out of the room.

"Happy birthday," Juugo said as he retreated.

"_Thank you_."

Because really, Juugo was the only one he actually liked.

**notes—** I didn't know how to end it. So I just did. ): I don't like this one to much but I wanted to write something for Sasuke's birthday. So... Yeah. Review?


	4. four

**notes**— Hello! I have nothing interesting or witty to say.

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**How Do Magnets Work?**

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It was well known that Karin was a psycho-creeper that had a fetish for younger—by one month and three days!—"men" (if you could actually call him that).

Being a psycho-creeper, it was perfectly acceptable for her to psycho-creep because it was in her nature. It was not, however, perfectly acceptable for her to psycho-creep on _Sasuke_—one month and three days!—, who was her boss.

It was unprofessional and scandalous.

Now, Sasuke was a scandalous person, so whatever. But_ unprofessional_, he was not.

That is why one morning on a particularly cold autumn day, they were all called into the main area of their cave-base that was set up in Yugakure (it was like their vacation home—the village had such nice hot springs). None of them actually knew why they were there (except, you know, Sasuke. Because he called the meeting and all that) but they went along with it anyways.

Sitting in the middle of the room was a large projector.

Juugo, Karin, and Suigetsu all sat down on either side of it, facing a large, blank wall. Sasuke was leaning against said wall, waiting for them.

Without saying anything, he walked over and flipped the projector on.

The first slide was mostly white with large letters in the middle that said, "SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN A WORK ENVIRONMENT"

Suigetsu groaned and glared over at where Karin was sitting. She was sitting, frowning, with her arms crossed. _Obviously_, she thought. _This is something that idiot Suigetsu did_! _He probably sexually attacked **my** Sasuke-kun_!

Because as everyone by the name of Karin that was in the base at that point in time _knew_ (but not really), Suigetsu _totes obvs_ had a thing for Sasuke. Probably... Not. But whatever.

Without saying anything, Sasuke switched to the next slide. "Read it," he said in monotone, not bothering to do it for them.

"A WORKPLACE is a safe environment where people should feel comfortable walking around—not worrying about whether some crazy-psycho is going to jump out and violently invade their personal space," it read.

The rest of the slide show was pretty much the same, explaining that it was _ unprofessional_ to attempt to get sexy with another employee—_especially_ your younger—one month and three days!—boss.. Juugo walked away thinking about how he used to feel violated in places that were supposed to be safe because he was _totes obvs_ incredibly attractive. Suigetsu walked away thinking about how he _could_ have been sharpening his sword but instead he had to _waste his time_ with this. Karin walked away thinking it didn't apply to her.

She continued to be a psycho-creeper.

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**notes**— You know, "How Do Magnets Work" is a really old meme. :I Oh well. *shrugs*


	5. five—Christmas Special!

**notes**— We were going to go get some Chinese on Christmas day but since our favorite Mexican restaurant wasn't open, we went today instead. Tomorrow, we're having turkey and ham and stuff like _normal_ people. :I But, yeah—happy holidays, guys. :D

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**Team Taka Christmas Special**—

When Sasuke woke up on December 25th, he didn't acknowledge that there was anything special about the day.

When he went into the cave-kitchen to get coffee, he didn't notice the various decorations that had been thrown onto the wall and everywhere over the base. He was too tired to notice. They had just gotten back from a long trip to Amegakure to find someone who _ supposedly_ knew a thing or two about where Itachi was—it turned out to be a bust and Sasuke wanted to punch something.

He sat down at the kitchen table (which had red and green glitter thrown on it—again, he didn't notice) and, before he could even take a sip of coffee, he fell asleep.

Karin, who was super happy because it was _totally feeling like Christmas_, found him twenty minutes later.

Now, this could very easily become a problem (or a rape charge) because Karin was creepy. While she was getting... _better_ (she once called Sasuke stupid—not to his face though, she said it to Suigetsu to try and prove that she _wasn't_ a potential rapist), she still couldn't resist the appeal of a sleeping Sasuke.

So she squealed—inwardly, of course because out loud with no one around would be so _uncool_—and grinned in a "opening scene to Law & Order: SVU" kind of way. She stealthily got closer to him (because she _was_ a ninja, thankyouverymuch).

She was about to reach out to touch him (and possibly take a strand of hair) when Juugo walked in.

Then it was awkward. He was rubbing his eyes and yawning when he walked into the kitchen but when he saw Karin—and how incredibly close she was to Sasuke, it was kind of sexual really—, he just kind of stopped and stared at her. His brow furrowed and he just looked at her, really confused.

He was pretty sure that his young, innocent mind wouldn't be able to handle what was about to occur when he walked in. The thought alone scared him.

"...Hello Juugo," Karin said in mock cheerfulness as if _absolutely nothing_ was going on.

Instead of returning to greeting, he replied, "...Did you drug him?" He motioned towards Sasuke who, despite supposedly being the _greatest ninja ever_, was still asleep on the kitchen, completely unaware of all the commotion going on in the room.

Karin sputtered out random nonsense before giving him a firm, "_No_." She pushed her glasses up, looking offended. "He was like this when I _found_ him, _thank you_. I was just... making sure he was okay! Yeah!"

Juugo looked at her and nodded even though he didn't believe anything she had said.

Karin, realizing this, opened her mouth to further explain. She was unable to say anything though because that happened to be the moment that Suigetsu came in, singing a horrible rendition of "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas".

He stopped when he saw Sasuke passed out on the table. "...Holy shit, Karin—did you drug him? ON CHRISTMAS?"

Karin growled angrily and stomped her foot twice. Her fist clenched at her sides and her eyes narrowed into a glare directed at Suigetsu because she hated him, she yelled, "I did not drug him!"

That did wake Sasuke up and was really confused (not that he showed it). He also had glitter on his face, but nobody commented on that.

Suigetsu looked over at him. "Oh, so you didn't," he said to Karin. He then began singing "Angels We Have Heard on High" to continue with the Christmas spirit. As he was singing, Sasuke looked around and noticed all the new decor.

"Stop singing," Sasuke commanded. He did stop, but not before finishing the second "Gloria in excelsis deo". Sasuke shifted his eyes from Suigetsu and Karin, trying to decide who was responsible for the decorations. (He knew it wasn't Juugo because it was _never_ Juugo). "What's going on here?" he asked.

"It's Christmas!" Suigetsu said, gleefully, picking up a long strand of tinsel—that must have fallen when the tree decorations were being moved to the living room area—and putting it around Sasuke like a scarf.

Sasuke stared at him blankly and considered brutally maiming him. He decided against it.

A silence followed Suigetsu's words. After a few moments of silence that soon turned awkward, Karin yelled out, "Presents!" and led everyone into the next room.

There was only one present under the tree.

"Here Sasuke," Karin said in an awkwardly sexual voice, grabbing the present and handing it to him. "This is for _you_."

Despite being completely uncertain about whether he should or not, he opened the present anyways.

It was lingerie. _Women's lingerie_. And it was _leopard print_. And _lacy_. He stared at it for a while and then violently threw it to the ground without a word and stood up.

"I'm going back to sleep," he muttered, walking towards his room.

The last thing he heard before he reached his destination was Suigetsu yelling, "But it's Christmas!" between laughs.

**notes**— I'm really tired you guys. And it's past three thirty already. It might have something to do with the incredibly uncomfortable couch bed I had to sleep on for a week at my grandparent's house. :( Review please! :D


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